….He was on his way to lunch and golf with his friend, and there I was, back at the house working to provide for our family; my hands continued to pound the desk as I seethed inside. I was beginning to rupture at the seams, barely able to have a non-blinding thought about any of it. Finally, I took a breath. And then another. The rage began to dissipate as the air came back into my lungs, my body and the room.
I was…pissed as hell at him for having the audacity to continue to “play” now that our 15-month old was in daycare all day and he didn’t have to be home to take care of him. I was pissed that he hadn’t begun to look for a job to help me out with the financial aspect of things. I was pissed that I didn’t feel more supported by my husband – financially, mentally or emotionally. But the biggest “pisser” for me was that I couldn’t utter the words or articulate how I felt to the one person I’d chosen to live my life with, create a family with, or that I laid down in bed with every night.
I was pissed as hell….at me.
How did I get here? What in the world was I going to do? Is this the way my life was going to go? If this was what I could expect for the next 20, 30, 40+ years, no thank you, “check please!”And that’s when it all ended and began; the moment when everything about the past, the present and the future collided for me. All the events leading up to that moment in time, allowed me to be present for what was showing itself, even though I didn’t have a cognitive understanding of what was needed to change any or all of it. I just knew something had to give and it had to start with me.
But I was tired of it all having to be by me, for me, with me, because of me…I was just plain t-i-r-e-d. As beat down, run down, over-worked, under-supported as I felt – it didn’t matter in that moment, because something inside me knew this was on me and I was the only one who could move me out of the mess I’d made called “my life”.
Dear one, if I could remind you of one spiritual and eternal knowing within you, it would be this: “You are the creator of your reality. I know, I know….why the heck would you create, X, Y, Z when it causes you so much pain, suffering upset, financial lack, etc.? Here’s why: you’ve been asleep; you’ve forgotten; you’ve been mesmerized by the conditioning you’ve been raised with; you’ve not wanted to know just how powerful and possible you are. It’s time to wake up, beautiful. It’s time to come undone from all that no longer serves you. It’s time to do whatever it takes to reclaim you.
And it doesn’t all have to be difficult, time-consuming, challenging or hard. Sure, some of your emotional house-cleaning won’t be pretty or tidy, but doesn’t a home always look, feel and sense lighter, brighter and more refreshing after it’s been deeply cleaned? It’s a home we want to dwell in. And that home, sweetheart, is YOU.
Please feel into the below invitation for you to begin or continue your internal “house-cleaning” and if it’s the time for you, I welcome you to join us. This is one of the greatest catalysts to me reclaiming my life, my love, my money, my spirit, my sensuality, my voice, my reality…myself - totally. The story will continue, so stay tuned. Thank you for witnessing me. I look forward to witnessing your reclamation, courageous one.
Until next time, gorgeous – with all my heart.